priorities

Merlin Mann over at 43 folders has a post today on priorities. "You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple you are either lying or crazy." 

Right now, by necessity, my priorities have shrunk to one. Incubating a baby for as long as possible. Normally, I like to have lots of things that I think I'm in control of and are "priorities" or at least lots of things to fret over. One of the hardest things about this whole experience was to let go of all those. I am at the mercy of my body and the people around me who have stepped up and taken over everything. Oh, there are a few knickknacky things to do that I can replace my whole house full of "priorities" with, but they are really pretty pathetic in the grand scheme of life. Paying some bills, returning e-mails, keeping this blog up-to-date--not exactly the stuff that makes the world spin on its axis. The worst thing is that I can even manage to postpone those. And for what? Maybe I have to face the fact that one of my priorities, according to where I place my time, is wasting that very time. 

Even when I'm mobile and have no excuse to not act on my "priorities", I can manage to waste time with the same things I do here in the hospital. Junky reading, TV, internet--they all suck more time than I care to admit. I'm sure there's some deeper philosophical meaning to this: maybe one of my priorities is to avoid reality. At any rate, making those time-fillers a large part of a day means that things I say are priorities get tossed into the corners. As Merlin's post says, if something were really a priority, it would be done. 

Obviously, things like family as a priority are never really done; that's a choice that has to be made over and over again in each moment. But that huge pile of stuff from my office we dumped in the middle of the room downstairs when the foster kids came and we needed the office for a bedroom again? Still there. I've picked away at the edges, but not enough to justify calling getting rid of it a priority. Which it is. Or it should be. 

So I guess this time is good for sorting out what my priorities are, and what they should be. Maybe more of being present with my daughter, less avoiding reality, more cleaning of the dump downstairs.

Meanwhile, I think I'll incubate and watch What Not to Wear...